Dead and dying jokes

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A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. After
the editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50
cents a word, she pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then,
let it read 'Fred Brown died'."

Confounded at the woman's thrift, the editor stammers that there
is a 7-word minimum for all obituaries. The woman pauses again,
counts on her fingers and replies, "In that case, 'Fred Brown
died: 1983 Pick-up for sale'."

Rating: 4.2 |

A Packer fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Lambeau Field,
until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked the
guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was. The guy said, "Yes, that's
my wife's seat. We have never missed a game since the Lombardi days, but
now my wife is dead." The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really
too bad he couldn't find some relative to give the ticket to so they could
enjoy the game together... "Oh no," the guy said, "they're all at the funeral."

Rating: 3.0 |

A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her
husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband
to be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit
that he's wearing?"

But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank
check to buy one.

When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin
and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how
much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.

He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing
happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one
wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and
asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in
a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the
heads."

Rating: 3.6 |

Sam was on his death bed, and his wife and children were gathered
around him. Suddenly the aroma of chopped liver filled the room.

Sam perked up a bit and said to his wife, "That's it, one last time
before I die I must have some of your delicious chopped liver."

Sam's wife looked at him sadly and said, "Sorry Sam, it's for after."

Rating: 2.8 |

What's the difference between a very old, shaggy Yeti and a dead bee?
One's a seedy beast and the other's a deceased bee.

Rating: 2.6 |

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