Dead and dying jokes

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A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs. It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs. He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As he reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells:
"No, you can't have those! They're for the funeral!"

Rating: 4.4 |

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, Sir," the new employee replied.

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

Rating: 4.0 |

A chap went up to the counter in the library and said, "Have you got any books about committing suicide?"

The librarian said, "Yes. Take a look over there, somewhere on the middle shelf."

The chap came back a few moments later and said, "I can't find any at all."

The librarian replied, "Yes, it's awful. They never bring 'em back!"

Rating: 2.2 |

Teacher: What can you tell me about the Dead Sea?
Pupil: Dead ?, I didn't even know he was sick !

Rating: 2.6 |

A man is fibbing away about how great things are in his country. Finally, he starts describing the tall buildings in his country.

"There is a building so tall, it took my friend Alex 72 hours to fall off it!"

"Oh, my God!" says his friend. "Surely he must have died!"

"Of course. He was without food or water for 3 days!"

Rating: 3.2 |

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